I’m really frustrated right now.
My day is just not starting out the way I had hoped.
Last night, I went to a high school reunion party for 62 year olds and it lasted until something like two in the morning.
It was a rollercoaster of experiences. Initially it was really boring, but then it picked up into something kind of fun. I was enjoying myself. Dancing, singing, eating, drinking. All was well with the world, until I was asked to spend the night. Nope. Against my better judgement though, I stayed. Push my boundaries … go out of my comfort zone right? It was an awful night. I hardly slept at all. Basically was forced to share a bed with an older gentlemen from the government office that I’m friends with, but he was definitely drunk and smelled something nasty. Came in while I was sleeping and turned all the lights on. Climbed into bed with pretty much nothing on but a towel and kept creeping on over to my side of the bed. At one point in time he was practically hugging me. Hated it so much. Kept telling myself to stick it through. You can make it Clarence. Just a few more hours before sunlight. Got up like five times to pee. Finally gave up around 4:55am and wandered around outside. Sometimes, nothing can prepare you for the worst. Made it back home around 6:15am red eyed and hazy. My mind was a mist of tangled thoughts and emotions. So much had gone on that I had suppressed under a smile. That, along with my trusty uncomfortable, awkward chuckle:
At this point, I’m finishing up my April bpit term month and I haven’t gotten any of the things done that I wanted to. Tomorrow is going to be the first day of May and I’ve got so many things on my to-do list. So many things I need to work on personally. So many things I failed to do during my free time alone and to myself.
Being off of work so liberates you from structure that all productivity goes out the window.
Things I’ve tried to stay on course have proven ineffective. I’m back to square one and still struggling. My motivation right now is at an all time high, but so is my disappointment. Shame is starting to sink in.
Why can’t I just be perfect?
There are so many vulnerabilities in my shell, openings for painful setbacks.
What I need right now more than ever is a comeback.
Time to put my head down and turn this day around. Stop letting the little things pick at and tear me apart. I need to work out. Eat something healthy. Visit my host family. Catch up on emails. Write something (check). Read something. Study Thai. Dance. What else? Oh yeah, finish my curriculum for the upcoming school year and plan out my approach. I can do this. I just need to stop stressing out and get to it. Alrighty then:
Chill-mode - Deactivate.