Nothing in life is to be feared, it is only to be understood.
I’m afraid of people and what they think – and so I have become who I currently am.
Every waking moment is a careful calculation. What will I do? How will I do it? What will I say? How will he or she take it? Is this okay to do? What if they don’t like it? When is the right time? Now? Later? Am I hogging too much attention? Am I being too indecisive? Am I being too nice? What will they think of me if I choose to do this? My mind is a buzzing hive of activity. Very little is left to chance and/or improvisation. I am constantly scoping out my surroundings and making adjustments to myself here and there, editing out the parts of me that I think won’t be accepted. Liked.
I wish I understood better the concept of the like. Like why we like being liked so much. Why do I like being liked so much. What is it with me and my obsession with checking my phone every hour or so after posting something up on Facebook or Instagram? Why does it upset me so much to not get a reply to a message on Line or Messenger when I know that person is online and has “read” my reply? Why do I spend so much time slaving away at responses, trying so hard to get it just right?
Why do I pretend to not care so much about the people I care about most?
This is me thinking out loud on a platform that I know is going to be read by at least one other person, and so even now I am wondering if what I am writing will change the way whoever is reading thinks of me forever …
But I think that the whole point of me writing here is for me to better understand. To come to grips with my life and the things that trouble me most about it. Like my fear of not being liked. My fear of being seen as somebody who I’m not, or at least don’t believe myself to be. My fear of being misunderstood. Misread. Mistaken.
There are pieces to this puzzle that come together during the times when I feel most insecure. They are the things I turn to in my frustration, my inability to be who it is that I would like myself to be. They are the things that give me pleasure with little risk of effort. They are the cheap things in life – drugs, sex, and alcohol. Things that, for me, point towards something deeper, because without them, we can feel lost. They are representative of our addictions. Those things we have used to fill in the gaps. Places in our lives that need filling. But it is only in removing what we already have in those spaces that I feel like we can come to find what truly belongs there.
Which is why I’ve decided to give up a few things for the next year, starting today.