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Faith & Certainty

Faith is a place of mystery, where we find the courage to believe in what we cannot see and the strength to let go of our fear of uncertainty.

I’ll admit it:

I’m a little scared of tomorrow.

Because honestly, I have no idea what is going to happen.

This has to be, at least for me, the most draining part of the Peace Corps experience. The not knowing. The who, the what, the where, the when, the how … the anything really.

Like this morning when I woke up to shouting from outside my window to find my neighbor’s kid waiting outside for me to let him in so he could come eat with me.

The daily struggle with water and never knowing if the tap will actually work or not.

Opening my door and having cats and kids come inside at random hours of the day to play, eat, and/or hang out in front of the fan.

Big bugs popping out of nowhere.

Roaches, rats, spiders, mosquitoes, and ants.

School days that turn into something completely else. 

Like tomorrow:

We have a festival of sorts going on, I think.

Mostly because I spent most of today helping set up for it.

Also though, because there are a bunch of stalls being set up just outside my house, complete with lights and music.

I’ve been told that I am expected to put on a dance performance, sing karaoke, and play on the teacher soccer team.

Totally last minute if you ask me.

But then again, how was I supposed to know?

I find myself feeling the pressure of the unknown.

And my natural tendency is to get frustrated. Feel nervous. Angry. Annoyed. Shut down. But for some reason, I am finding myself drifting towards a different way …

I’m beginning to realize that I am not quite the person that I used to be.

Yes, I am still afraid. And I feel it with every ounce of my being. That weird prickly feeling in the pit of my stomach telling me to run and kick and scream. But there is another feeling there as well and it’s an even weirder one:

It’s telling me to stay and make a fool of myself.

To not be afraid of being afraid, because there is nothing I can do to help it.

All the best parts of life are the ones that start with a challenge and end with a victory.

So make this time yours. Go in with all you got. Fight. Maybe win.

But even if you lose, there is nothing you can do to make the uncertainty of this moment go away. Win or lose the outcome is going to be the outcome. It takes faith to believe that no matter what, you will come out for the better in the end. Always.

If all things were certain, then what need would we have for faith in anything?

Odd as it sounds, I’m finding myself looking forward to the challenge of being uncomfortable and awkward … Two places where I know I’ll be in the coming hours.

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