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Living in Dread

Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.

It is in the sublime beauty of nature that I seem to find a lot of answers. Like the purpose of pain, difficulty, and fear. To be real, no one really knows for sure, but here’s my theory. They exist to teach us how to let go. We are here for just a moment in time. And within that frame of life, we can either choose to fight everything that seems wrong with it or learn to flow.

Not everything can be in our control. In fact, most of everything isn’t. What happens to us, and the way in which the exterior world indiscriminately decides to act in tandem, is part of what has come before and will forever be beyond us. Very much in the same way that the current of a fast moving stream carries whatever passes through it in one direction and not another, we are surrounded by circumstances that may move us towards places strange and dreadful. What is within our control though, is how we choose to react and allow such journeys to change us. They can do us as much good in life as bad.

Feelings of great apprehension can preclude any possibility of growth. When taken on as a challenge to be overcome regardless of immediately unforeseeable consequence however, anxiety and unease can be the doorway to self-discovery. Who we are and how we understand ourselves, and the world we have created within, seeks to be forever at a standstill. It is only in pushing beyond that which we find to be most comfortable that we are able to become someone more. This is a lesson that is hard to learn and is something that I am still struggling with. Working daily to let myself be taken by the course without losing confidence in my ability to rise above feelings of stagnating insecurity.

They show themselves to be the very things that keep me inside, alone. Unwilling to share of myself with the world for fear that I will somehow be rejected. No matter what I do that piece of me will always be there. Trying to push its way towards the surface. Causing me to panic and frantically paddle upstream in search of more solid ground.

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