To live is to be slowly born.
So this is me trying hard to get back into the habit of writing again. Like really hard.
I’ve been sitting, typing and deleting, typing and deleting, typing and deleting, over, and over, and over, and over again. It is so frustrating. Trying to get out the words to properly describe a thought. A feeling. Maybe even just a simple event.
I’m also maybe a bit of a perfectionist so it doesn’t help that I keep on reading over what I write. Stopping, hesitating, trying to re-formulate, re-space, and re-structure everything.
This is basically the story of my life.
Me. Trying hard to meet my own expectations of how it should be. How things should go. And not being able to decide. Wasting all my time and energy trying to control the process …
Even now I can’t decide as to whether or not I should keep what is written or delete it all. What am I even trying to get at here? What is the end goal? Where am I trying to take this? What is the point of even writing right now? I’ve been trying to put something, anyyyythinggg together now for almost three hours and all I have is this. Ugh, so pointless.
Little do you know that the fact I used both the words “point” and “pointless” in the same paragraph just now irks me to no end.
There are times when I feel like things are falling apart when really they are just not put together the way I want them to be. I have, in my head, a picture of the way things are supposed to be, and when circumstances change or life deviates and chooses to express itself a little differently, I can physically feel my heart drop a few inches in my chest for my stomach to catch.
It’s a stupid struggle I know, but it is one that I have been dealing with for I’m not even sure how long. Learning to be open to alternative ways of thinking and doing things can be a real challenge for me, which is why it has become something of a life goal of mine to work on trying to change the way that I think. To break down the rigidity of my internal expectations and become more fluid. To flow on the go. The world outside cannot always conform to the shape of my thoughts. In fact, it rarely ever does. So I need to figure out how to roll with it. Become comfortable traversing the highway since it probably won’t go my way. To stop trying and start doing. To make mistakes, be cool with them, and try again, and again, and again. Work tirelessly towards a goal that I may not be able to see right now without losing hope or becoming despondent. All the while keeping in mind that every difficulty, along with this stupid one, takes time to hopefully, one day overcome.