Funny how I’m finally alone and I can’t seem to fall asleep.
I have been waiting for this moment for a long time and a part of me believes that this is heaven. Complete bliss. Having a place to myself with air conditioning, a hot shower, and clean sheets.
And yet my mind is running on full blast.
There is so much I want to do. All the unproductive possibilities are open to me. For once I have fast running internet and I can watch videos on my computer for as long as I want without it overheating. But sitting here by my self in the dark with nothing on but my underwear is a little bit unsatisfying. It isn’t all that I had been imagining. This little piece of paradise.
Where is the struggle and the uncertainty?
I’m pretty sure that I don’t love difficulty for its own sake. Nevertheless, the convenience of it all just doesn’t sit right with me the same anymore. Having it “easy” is really weird. Not being exhausted from the effort of having to constantly adjust to changes in my environment …
It feels like Redbull has been pumped into my veins, but I know tomorrow that I’ll be feeling the downhill slump. Getting over the feeling of freedom and having complete control over what I do at this very moment is just hard.
Funny to find myself here right now.
Typing away this little note to myself. Knowing full well that this is just a momentary perspective. A brief puff of imaginary thinking that will disappear in the morning. Who I am is constantly changing. My entire personhood is in flux.
All because I have this hotel room to myself.